Well, another day without a spank…

Hello all my little stems. hee hee i just made that up, you guys, the people that read this, cherries have stems, lol oh i crack myself up!  

Anyways i went on my date. i gave it a 3 out of 10. i’m sorry Hazard. but i didn’t feel that magical gotta have me longing  that i’ve been looking for. the lust of it. there wasn’t anything really, it kinda sucks. There was no “omg i just can’t take my eyes off you, i gotta have ya” feeling at all. We went bowling as planned, and then out to eat, then just walking around stores. it was boring. Sorry, but it was. I also got no play really. it was too stiff and just like friends in the biggest space of friend zoned hanging out together. i even did all the triggers to tell a guy to touch me, bump into him here, rub on him there. nothing. until i said hey touch me! and then i got a 2 second shoulder arm thing and a 5 second hand hold. i would have liked it to be more planned out, and so far in all my relationships i did the planning, i’m done with planning everything. it is the guys job to wow me just as much mine to wow him, not 70-30. and i didn’t even get a kiss out of it.

Oh *sigh* i haven’t felt a guy truly lusting after me since Morbius. Bad thing was, when i could have him, i didn’t want him. He had really bad breath back then. lol. But now he’s thousands of miles away and there is no chance. 

I guess i just have to wait, and waiting sucks, I need some hard sex damn it.

What am i feeling?

Can some one tell me?

I really dont know.

After Beast sounding like i was the last person in the world he wanted to even talk to even before i told him to come get his stuff i knew, we were not ever going to work out.

It really just leaves me setting just here.

I wanna cut and bleach my hair.

I want to scream.

I want some one to take a hard paddle to my ass so hard it makes me cry.

Because i think that would be the only way i would be able to cry. I dont feel sad. Maybe i had a sad thought, just a thought when i turned on my phone and saw the picture of me and him as my lock screen. I changed it. Feeling gone. Now i just feel like i really want a good beating. No sex. Just the hard hit of a paddle across me, anywhere. Just so i’d be forced to cry. I could listen to a couple of songs, maybe get a few tears out, but it’ll be hard. I’ll probably miss him tomorrow when i’m setting here, but not now. I’m so fucking sick of all of his bullshit. He didn’t even know i was mad and done today and just me talking to him pissed him off. Really?? Who the fuck does that? I was sick of him, he was most defiantly sick of me.

I dont have anyone that i can tell exactly what i’m feeling. my feelings would hurt feelings. if that makes any since.

And again my birthday is gonna suck this year.

Into the fire, i throw myself.

God some days that Sir of mine makes me want to scream, hit, bite, yell, etc. etc. etc. Oy. We had total drama island today.

I’m better now. and he’s sleeping, better be at least, or he’s ignoring my IMs, that would be very stupid of him. He’s asleep. Better be.

But today was anything other than lovey. and on his birthday too…… that i feel like shit about. He had been putting off helping me move a couple of things for a week. today was the day he said it would happen. was spose to pick him up after work, move, then fuck. simple. well he had a explosion of shit happen today, shitty night at work,  his moms house fell apart and he hadn’t slept at all. in like 2 days. he canceled on me. i was pissed. i love his mom, i feel bad for acting up on her part of it, her house is important, not just to them, but me, she works hard, all the time, she deserves nice things. and her house fucking up made me pissed at the house. lol. it did. but i was pissed at Sir because he had held off and then canceled, nothing to do with his mom needing him, i was just pissed he put it off. and it would have been Wednesday of next week before Sir would be back in town.

idk, it just made me think of all the times before there was an “us”. i use to beg abd beg him to see me. and he’d promise and then cancel. every single time, it was weeks before we finally met again. we had secretly dated back in middle school. went out once. then once after high school, then now.

i know he loves me, even on his darkest days he says it. not as much as i’d like to hear, but even when he is a asshole of all assholes i get “i love you to death though”.

Today he came into work, we had a hissy fit fight. he stormed off, i cried. i got over it. i had to drop off his present. he felt like shit about earlier, so did i. he helped me movea couple of the things that needed it. and i wanted him to go shopping with us, but i wanted to know if he wanted to. we had had yet another fight today and i was feeling zero love from him. and he didn’t care. again i know he loves me. we work 82% of the time. but today we just didn’t. i took him home, and i know he feels like shit. i do too.

But i was thinking on us today. I love him, in a way i haven’t felt love in a long time. for the last 9 years i haven’t really loved anyone i was with. until now.  I know i’m too clingy.

Sir, this is the part that i need to hear feedback from you on.

I feel like if i wasn’t as clingy as i am then he would leave and never come back.  like he use to. but now i feel like i’m hanging on too tight, and driving him away. i need to know what to do.

I’m Blue Da Bo Dee

I’m watching the new smurfs 2. Its a cute little movie. But I’m sad also. Sir Beast is sad and/or pissed today. And today is his birthday. For one month he is a year older than me. Lol. I turn 25 next month. So for a month he’ll be 25 and me only 24… lol.

But this morning I was talking to him via yahoo messenger. And he was just pissed. Kinda rude.

But it’s his birthday. No one should be anything other than happy on their birthday. And he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. I think it’s not but I can’t help thinking I did something to make him mad. I posted pictures last night without him telling me I could.

But Im thinking something might of happened at work. But I don’t know what could’ve went that wrong at work. I’m going to pick him up after work. I hope he’ll tell me then.

I love you most more most Sir.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIR!!!!!

See You Later Space Cowboy…