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Why do I do that, why do I do that?

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Hey, sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve had a busy few days. My daughter is in girl scouts….. so….. yeah. That takes a lot of time and money. Mostly money. Our first meeting they hand me a packet for fall sales. Candy and magazine subscriptions. Oh my god! Really? But in all fairness I’m excited to sale some of this stuff. Yeah. And her school was having spirit week this last week. A lot of school colors going on. Oy.

Also I have had adult time again. A bonfire. Like I told y’all about. I also got to see a old 30’s tractor coming back to life. It had so many weeds and brush grown up around and in it and he just started it right up and started driving it. Well after about an hour and many cuss words, lol.

But, I do my over thinking thing and I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions.

Is he as romantic as I want?
Do I really need as much romance as I’m wanting?
Am I just settling because I don’t want to be alone?
Can I handle the not texting thing?
Will he always put his arm around me like that when we’re around people?
If I became more clingy will it chase him away.
Can I handle someone that busy?
How can I became more busy?

Yeah. I know when there are this many questions it probably isn’t a good thing. But that’s just me. I have questions for everything. I over think everything. But when I talk to him I act completely different. I told him my over thinking thing and it was not a big deal to him. Although nothing is a big deal to him. He told me, and it’s true, he has a “not give a shit attitude”. Which also has me wondering.

I know you’re not supposed to go into a relationship expecting change, but he wants it to change himself. So, I don’t know.

Wow. I just had to go get my daughter’s bike back from a little brat up the road. And yep. When we got there the dad wouldn’t even get off his damn ass. No wonder the little girl was such a brat. Discipline is important people.

Well my creative juices are at a stand still. After that I’m done. Lol

See You Later Space Cowboy…

Why did it have to end that way?

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I’m at work. Cutting keys for some 80 year old man. A large order. 30 keys, from 3 originals. Getting into it, not hearing anything other than the loud screech of the key cutters,

I think i hear someone say “Miss” but i know other co-workers are around.

“Excuse me, Miss!”

Annoyed because i’m only on key 13, turning around, i say “YES! Sir, how may i……” And there he is. When our eyes meet all sound stops, the key cutters seem to turn off, the service bells stop. I look at this man, Not speaking, He doesn’t speak either. He’s just standing there with a bouquets of flowers, Smiling at me,

Still smiling at me, he says “I know you’re busy, now, but i was hoping maybe later”……

And then i woke up. *Sigh* this never happened. it would be wonderful if it ever did. but it was just the dream i had last night. I’ve always wanted to meet someone at work. I always wanted that love at first sight thing.

Even a little romance. I haven’t even gotten so much as a text since 4 today. it’s now 7. lol, it wouldn’t bother me except for the fact of the last text i sent was talking about me being insecure. lol. “im insecure” and then crickets, LOL kinda funny sad to me. Maybe because i’m sad in a unfunny way? I dont know, going to change my phone case now and watch the newest Duck Dynasty. The show needs to be more than half an hour long.

What I want. Part 2.

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Last night was the Day, this is the Night

Spanked

Tied up, anywhere, some where i feel completely out of control

A strong hand giving more than just 3 little spanks

a belt used everywhere on my body

a cane used everywhere on my body

a whip used everywhere on my body

a blind thingy used everywhere on my body

bent over anything and taken

my hair pulled, hard

my limits pushed.

granted also some respected

someones hand exploring my entire body, just feeling, looking, rubbing, licking every inch

the moment of being beaten within an inch of saying a safe word, (i have never used or wanted to use a safe word)

wax all over my body

used for what ever sick sadistic thing a Dom can think of.

to be the only sub, because i’m an attention whore and a pain slut.

to be fucked so fucking hard i scream

Well, another day without a spank…

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Hello all my little stems. hee hee i just made that up, you guys, the people that read this, cherries have stems, lol oh i crack myself up!  

Anyways i went on my date. i gave it a 3 out of 10. i’m sorry Hazard. but i didn’t feel that magical gotta have me longing  that i’ve been looking for. the lust of it. there wasn’t anything really, it kinda sucks. There was no “omg i just can’t take my eyes off you, i gotta have ya” feeling at all. We went bowling as planned, and then out to eat, then just walking around stores. it was boring. Sorry, but it was. I also got no play really. it was too stiff and just like friends in the biggest space of friend zoned hanging out together. i even did all the triggers to tell a guy to touch me, bump into him here, rub on him there. nothing. until i said hey touch me! and then i got a 2 second shoulder arm thing and a 5 second hand hold. i would have liked it to be more planned out, and so far in all my relationships i did the planning, i’m done with planning everything. it is the guys job to wow me just as much mine to wow him, not 70-30. and i didn’t even get a kiss out of it.

Oh *sigh* i haven’t felt a guy truly lusting after me since Morbius. Bad thing was, when i could have him, i didn’t want him. He had really bad breath back then. lol. But now he’s thousands of miles away and there is no chance. 

I guess i just have to wait, and waiting sucks, I need some hard sex damn it.

A little bit of…

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Hey guys, sorry, no video today. and i want to say one sad thing, and then on to my life ok?

Sad thing, one of the last fights i had with beast he said that i never went to visit him on my days off. he’s right, i didn’t. feel kinda stupid now, but none really at all to worry about it anymore. just a little thing that was nagging me that i had to get out of my head.

Ok, now all of you are going to think i’m a slut or something, but come one, who out there hasn’t had this kinda luck? I have a date tomorrow! lol, and i stopped by his work today to kinda scope him out, oh and before you think i’m creepy stalker he said he wanted me to stop by, lol. but yeah so i get there, i know it’s him but he didn’t know it was me, lol hair color changes everything, lol. and we got to talk for all of a minute, i have to say, he looks like a built body builder. Mmm, lol.  We use to go to high school together. I know right? but anyways, he’s a lot more normal than i remember. i remember him being a little weird back then. but i guess we’ll see how normal tomorrow, lol. Anyways, i gotta get dinner ready just wanted to drop in. Oh and i guess he’ll need a name…. We’ll call him…… Hazard. i have my own A D D reasons for that,  lol

What am i feeling?

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Can some one tell me?

I really dont know.

After Beast sounding like i was the last person in the world he wanted to even talk to even before i told him to come get his stuff i knew, we were not ever going to work out.

It really just leaves me setting just here.

I wanna cut and bleach my hair.

I want to scream.

I want some one to take a hard paddle to my ass so hard it makes me cry.

Because i think that would be the only way i would be able to cry. I dont feel sad. Maybe i had a sad thought, just a thought when i turned on my phone and saw the picture of me and him as my lock screen. I changed it. Feeling gone. Now i just feel like i really want a good beating. No sex. Just the hard hit of a paddle across me, anywhere. Just so i’d be forced to cry. I could listen to a couple of songs, maybe get a few tears out, but it’ll be hard. I’ll probably miss him tomorrow when i’m setting here, but not now. I’m so fucking sick of all of his bullshit. He didn’t even know i was mad and done today and just me talking to him pissed him off. Really?? Who the fuck does that? I was sick of him, he was most defiantly sick of me.

I dont have anyone that i can tell exactly what i’m feeling. my feelings would hurt feelings. if that makes any since.

And again my birthday is gonna suck this year.

Ok, not enough kink.

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just realized i just posted stuff about being a mom. i’m not ok with that. And i also realized i hadn’t posted about mine and Beast’s last encounter. this is suppose to be about my love of his big dick and my hopes for future encounters.

But sadly i dont remember everything about it, lol. i remember the thing he said that i wasn’t suppose to call him Sir anymore. I really dont know how i feel about that. in the bedroom he earns it.

there is no time ever where i feel as sexy as i do when he has me tied to the bed and him spanking me then rubbing the red skin of my ass.

with our song playing and him talking like the devil to me, giving me orders and punishing me when they’re not carried out right.

there is once fantasy that i have even though i know it will never be acted out.

i’m tied to the bed, Blindfolded. stomach down, ass propped up in the air. Beast’s hands start rubbing my ass, then his hands are gone and then SMACK! a hard wide paddle across my ass. i hear him say in that oh so hot voice. “move and it’s double punishment” (he says that anyways and it always makes me melt). after about 30 spanks i feel his hands rub me again. telling me how good i’m being. then without setting my hands free, he flips me over, my arms crossing in a way that pins my head down, barely able to breath. and i feel long stinging burning whip across my tits. another and another. stopping only smack my tits with his strong hands. tears streaming. begging him for more and more. “someone’s being a greedy little bitch tonight” ( hee hee just thinking of him saying that gives me chills) getting swift fast swats across my whole body. finally he hits my legs apart and pushes them up to my chest as he takes me deep and hard. shoving his wide cock into me over and over, deeper and deeper, only stopping to smack my tits or bite my leg. i can never last long when he has my legs up like that. and when i cum it takes everything out of me. and he’s always nice enough to stop but in my fantasy he doesn’t stop, he tells me he isn’t done with me. he keeps going. he tells me that i’m a selfish bad girl and i’m going to be greatly punish for not begging permission to cum.  of course after hearing something like that i’d want to do anything to please him.

but maybe thats for another post, some of the things i want him to do to me i’m not sure if i want out there. like knife play. i have had one fantisy and no one has ever even wanted to try it.

You’re hot then you’re cold ….

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Someone one, call the doctor, gotta case of love bipolar, stuck on a rollercoaster, can’t get off this ride.

You’re hot then you’re cold. You’re yes then you’re no. You’re in then you’re out. You’re up then you’re down.

Kinda feel like that today.

Had a cute little surprise on facebook. A picture, from Sir. Posted right to my wall. I didn’t comment, or even like it. He never comments or likes the stuff I post to him.

And that is childish. Kinda, know it doesn’t matter at all.

And had a mini tiff with Sir. I’m still kinda sore about being pushed to Wednesday from being a Tuesday. Kinda the salt in the “everyone comes before me” wound.

Sigh.

We’re still not even 50% better than before. I think the ice is about 3 centimeters thick. He thinks it’s a foot thick. And he keeps cracking my ice. And his tiny little attempts to thicken it are smashed by the huge cracks.

He forgot he was babysitting for me. And it’s one thing to forget me. I’m use to him doing that. But forgetting my baby is another. That really fucking pissed me off. And after all that, HE is the one to stop talking to ME.

I really wanna know how not talking to a person who is feeling forgotten and UN-cared for is a good idea.

Usually flowers or something like that are given to the person who feels like a forgotten nothing. Nope. I just get ignored more.

Why am I still here?

See You Later Space Cowboy…